My Spiritual Autobiography

"Preface": This is an autobiography that I wrote my senior year of college as I began to explore my spirituality and fulfill assignments and knowledge for my class.

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Cameron Brockman

Prof. Rebecca Meier-Rao

Spirituality in the 21st Century

10, December 2018

Spiritual Autobiography

My spiritual journey began very inauthentically and unoriginally as I spent the first 6 years of my conscious life at a Catholic school in Milwaukee. There I learned the strictness and the forced blind faith that were pressed on to children at a very young age. The teachings were that if you didn’t believe you were going to hell. And that if you gay you were going to hell. And that if you didn’t go to church you were going to hell. Needless to say, I did not believe, I am very gay, and I never willingly attended church. In fact, I would avoid it at absolutely all costs. It never made much sense to me growing up that some people and families that I knew could be absolutely horrible, mean, terrible people, but they believed in God and went to church so they were saved. Where as some of my favorite people who were unbelievably kind and giving did not believe and never attended church, and they were damned to hell. For misconceptions such as these, I despised the man everyone called God. In my mind he seemed horribly unforgiving and egocentric. Everything seemed to be about him with no exceptions. The concepts of grace and mercy were completely lost on me and when I finally moved out of my parents house, I separated myself from the Catholic church as much as I could.

I went on with my life thinking this was spirituality. That religions like these were expressions of my spiritual being. And I hated it. I did not consider myself spiritual at all because I wanted to make sure I separated myself from that seemingly abusive and intrusive style of thinking and “believing”. Little did I know that my spiritual self was growing along with me. Spirituality was defined by Rolheiser as "what we do with the fire inside of us, [and] about how we channel our eros. And how we do channel it, the disciplines and habits we choose to live by, will either lead to a greater integration or disintegration within our bodies, minds, and souls, and to a greater integration or disintegration in the way we are related to God, others, and the cosmic world" (Rolheiser 6). I came to learn that although my spirit was just as confused as I was at the time, spirituality was still there.

My senior year of college, I dreaded taking a spirituality course. I had pushed the tag off for so long and was not interested in people preaching to me about the “word of God” and all the things I knew and felt in my earlier years of life. I questioned my judgement of choosing a private college that required such education to be promoted. However, I now consider this to be one of my favorite and most beneficial classes I have ever taken -and I am not saying that in an inauthentic manner. This course has helped me recognize the realities of spirituality in comparison to what I had been taught as a child. Spirituality is not associated with religion. Rather, spirituality is centered around the Self and taking care of mental health, as well as allowing for a better outlook on life.

Through this course I enjoyed learning about a great diversity of spiritual practices. I attended a Pagan Pride festival where I got to learn about the history of the Pagan traditions. I was inspired by their love for the earth and herbs and stones and the moon, however the practice seemed relatively exclusive where a lot of knowledge on the practice was required in order to follow along and be fully emerged in the experience. I appreciated their amount of dedication in doing so, but came to the conclusion that the Pagan practice might not fit my spiritual needs at the moment. I proceeded to read the autobiography Witch Amongst Us: The Autobiography of a Witch by Louis Bourne, where she elaborates on her experience becoming a witch and practicing spirituality in her every day life. She spoke of out of the body experiences and crazy fairy-talelike stories that seemed too good to be true. I found the whole thing entertaining and inspiring, but not fully relatable on a spiritual level. I did find interest in Bourne’s expression of using meditation to “look for an increased development of the spiritual side of [her] nature” (Bourne 29) as she explained that her psychic powers were not considered a spiritual practice and “the spiritual” did not develop at the same rate as her powers.

I had attended a baptismal service, and the later attended a regular service at Willow Creek church in Illinois. The baptisms had a great effect on me emotionally as I sobbed in joy witnessing hundreds of people finding themselves in their own spirituality, beliefs and practices. The additional service I attended was also very intriguing to listen to, however, I could not bring myself to find comfort in the church. I realized that in practicing my own spirituality I would benefit from focusing on my self and my view of the world than I would benefit from focusing on a higher power.

With the knowledge of this practice helping many in a spiritual aspect, I attended a Buddhist meditation a few blocks from my house. Similar to the Pagan practices, Buddhism seemed to require a plethora of information that I did not possess. Our instructor attempted to educate us briefly, but ultimately the meditation did not affect me on a spiritual level. I seemed to be too impatient with the whole thing and not able to contain the movements of my body.

Through lessons of Hinduism and Buddhism in class I was intrigued by the concepts of reincarnation and karma. I have found myself to enjoy learning about spirituality. I have begun to practice mindful journaling and have found that really beneficial to my spirituality in being more mindful of my thoughts and allowing myself to express whatever words or images come to mind. Journaling is satisfying and therapeutic.

Something that I continue to find comfort in is the idea Tolle expressed about pain and unhappiness. He states “There is space around . . . unhappiness. That space, of course comes when there is inner acceptance of whatever you are experiencing in the present moment” (Tolle 166). The most valuable thing I took away from this course is that if I am able to identify my emotions and my experiences, I will be able to separate myself from my pain, not necessarily get rid of it, but identify that unhappiness is here; I myself am not unhappy. I am able to look at the world through a different, more compassionate and understanding lens and can continue the growth of my spirituality through an immense amount of newly found knowledge.

This class changed my outlook on life. I brought the texts and conversations home to my roommates to discuss and explore concepts more deeply. It allowed me to feel a deeper sense of calmness and understanding, but also realize that I don’t really understand anything at all. Which is okay! This course allowed me to identify things that connect with me and combine it with other ideals that I identify with, creating a spirituality and set of beliefs that I feel comfortable with and that I will continue to pursue and expand in the future.

Works Cited

Bourne, Lois. Witch Amongst Us: The Autobiography of a Witch. Hale, 1989.

Rolheiser, Ronald. The Holy Longing: the Search for a Christian Spirituality. Doubleday,

1999.

Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Penguin Books, 2016.